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Being the best version of me Today… for my tomorrow.

Ajani O
4 min readJun 30, 2021

I take pride in being present to the moment and focused on what’s in front of me. I’ve found ways to make sure that whatever may be in front of me is truly something desirable and motivating for me. It’s been my “cheat code" but…. the “how I got here" is complex. It’s a combination of working with my performance team, managers at work and my personal information “diet" (generally focused subject matter in books and podcasts).

Within all of this work on “me" I’ve lost track of the “why" in some aspects because during the Covid pandemic I’ve been forced to work from home more than necessary and that’s had very very negative “downstream” impacts on me (as confirmed with the Performance Team :-) !!). This is very much a “first world problem" (a derogatory term in the future I imagine -> since we do have to meet people half way to where they are at… not where we think they should be at).

Those impacts have broken the “stream" between my today and tomorrow… everyday became blended and the negative impacts are long (haha) and probably long lasting but I’m also “better for it". I’ll know more of how to manage myself within and during isolation in the future (which reminds me we only usually enforce isolation on prisoners haha). I’ve lost all my friends generally and…. Happily in many ways haha. I’ve bonded with my family but also surface long standing “gaps” that requires difficult discussions that can’t be done in that area of my life (at this time I suppose).

So then… where am I now? (On a walk actually early in the morning on trails haha… but…). I’m unsure… I’m confused (well not anymore but generally yes)… I’ve lost my ability to scale myself to the “outside world" (IE: every single thing outside of my body and apartment unit haha)…. And here I am… still quite motivated on “what to do next"… and I suppose more aware of my biases and why I have them…. I cannot live a “purposeless life"… I would rather not be here in the most extreme sense of that statement. I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal or anything of that nature but that statement is quite relevant to my approach to life (which is okay… I will always be able to “reframe” to scale my abilities to what I believe my purpose is as time goes on).

I’m finding my approach somehow makes me a bit “unique" in comparison to others based on my experiences/discussions. For example, I’ve won joke awards for my “can do" attitude that I could care less to have or make public haha… but that’s exactly the “rub"… why is that a joke award for others? (Quite frankly if you’ve ever met my Father you’d likely see how/why I’m wired this way… we don’t see eye to eye most often but he’s made an amazing life for himself based on his own hard work and will power. I have a lot of respect for that even while questioning his choice of methods and motivations…. I truly believe I may never meet a “man” who could outwork my Daddy haha… and I love that… flaws, warts and all.).

So where do I go from here? My plan is to still be present… but one of my goals must be that I will be committed to connecting my “today" to my “tomorrow" (IE: another variable to measure/scale so I can stay on track…. -> read -> motivated). That’s challenging within the concept of “being present" I had pre-pandemic (IE: based on 2 core variables… Joy Curve Analysis and Opportunity Cost Analysis… then cross comparing as if they are X+Y axis data points). Full disclosure here… apart from my relationships.. the pandemic has really been one of the best times of my life… that’s challenging when knowing all the pain and hardship faced by so many others that can easily be seen as due to “no fault of their own"… I’ve struggled with that… and I’ve wondered where and how I’ve truly become a “have" in Canadian society based on that statement…. And have decided…. I really don’t care haha… I can only live my life and maximize the opportunities in front of me (Note to link to the “axis” mention above: Am I happy => Joy Curve… is there too much effort to reach the goal => Joy curve…. What expected outcomes can I predict that will match with a goal I’ve “called out” for myself => Opportunity Cost)…

So then beyond that “worry of being a have” I need to do more work on knowing how the opportunities in front of me “today” are in sync with my goals…. That’s where the synergy of “today and tomorrow” as a discussion…. Begins… and eventually ends because… I know the goals… but how do I know that what I did today will make me have pride in my “tomorrow”… the Pandemic has really pushed me towards answering this question… since I’ve been in too many “I feel like I’m in a holding pattern” discussions with the Performance Team… and often times on reflection I had a purpose for holding myself back from certain things… but I need to not have that “block” of linking the today and tomorrow… to eventually be “successful” within the realm of the goals that I’ve planned to accomplish (yes planned… why would you call out any goals that you don’t expect to meet :-) -> Note… learning from errors while working on goals is a major “success” as well.).

Hope you enjoyed this one! I had to edit it after my first hit of “publish” :-).

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Ajani O

U of T Grad... Project Management Career Seeking Extraordinary Human Being...