The Burden of (self judged) Truth

Ajani O
5 min readJul 31, 2022

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Covid-19 has completely changed every aspect of my life from the world I thought I knew and “grew” to understand my roll within prior to March of 2020.

I feel blessed to be able to reflect on it now but it has not been an easy undertaking… I have had some of the absolute worst moments in my life since March of 2020…. I’m sure I am not the only one.

Where I “struggle” right now from being the “best version of me… that I can be”….. is actually creating for myself a weird self judgmental “feedback” loop. Please trust when I say that I understand quite well that we’re all just “nobodies” in this world trying to survive.

I’m shamelessly (+shamefully) borrowing from Jordan P’s “Lobster” theory summarized in this link here with this statement. It’s one that could be referenced in many different official/”Scientific” ways/manners I’ve forgotten… and that’s “okay”…… this is a live writing of my “self judgmental” (negative thoughts being… of) self#2 (via the Inner Game of Tennis).

And therein “lies the rub”….. I had goals, hopes and dreams pre-March 2020… that were recently “refreshed” at that time… that quickly became “null and void”…. I’ve had a hard time dealing with what to do about establishing new and improved “goals” in this Post-Covid “world”…. and it has been unbelievable tough…. I’ve been very disappointed in myself and it’s time to just “shut up and get on with it” to be honest.

Pre-Covid… I had too many “friends”…. Post-Covid… I have NO FRIENDS it seems haha….. Pre-Covid I had such a phenomenal routine that was building itself out into the “world” to enable me to really “blend in” to any and all scenarios I used to be facing…. but now Post-Covid…. all of those scenarios have changed…. everything has become “undone” including my mental approach to staying in sync with the “crowd”…. It’s been a crash course in…. what I don’t know… but whatever it is…. it has been quite humbling and I am nothing but appreciative for the experience.

However, within that appreciation still comes this “new and improved” (read… unknown and horrible haha)….. version of “Self #2” that I am wholly unfamiliar with.

This has been…. more daunting to overcome than I could have ever “imagined”… but life isn’t meant for constantly imagining things…. it’s mean to be “alive”… and living out your hopes and dreams to deliver on what you may call “success” (IE: it’s always personal… we’re always stuck in bubbles… etc. etc…).

For me… in this moment of “weirdness”… where I used to debate whether I was a “have” in this Post-Covid world… when I consistently believed I was a “have not” in the Pre-Covid world…. has focused me on the following:

  • “Success” for me is to “be annonymous” among the crowd. No matter what I do… for some reason I do not want to “stand out”…. even when I am the standout “performer”. I just want to move onto the next task/job/action.
  • The above puts me in a difficult position for me to “of service”… because my need to understand have to “be annonymous”… is trumping my abilities to be “of service” to others.
  • I care about “being of service”…. and I struggle to do so… or to know how to improve! …. but believe you me…. improve I will!! haha I’m excited to continue my work and growth in this area!
  • People DRAIN ME….. Massively….. massively massively….. and they never understand how and/or why. I probably haven’t given them a chance to…. which is why Pre-Covid…. and during the first few lockdowns… I was very happy to “lose all my friends”….. but I now know…. my lack of ability/foresight to “be of service”…. has cost me dearly… I do not know how to re-establish those connections at the moment…. and I honestly question whether I want to…. because people are DRAINING…. and selfish haha…. but they’re also incredibly awesome and enhance the heck out of this thing we call Life!
  • Post-Covid…. I need to be better and need to surround myself only with people who are “attacking” the option of growing and “being better”…. at what… it doesn’t matter but I’ve found I cannot keep a “healthy mind”…. around people who are “happily stagnant”… I’ve also learned this the hard way by potentially burning “bridges” with people dear to me by being…. WAY TOO EXCITED haha…. to connect with the few people I still am close to. This is another “rub” for me since I’ve fallen into a pattern of often times being “too self aware”… leading to a lot of self criticism when the “right” option for my “self”…. has led to too much critical analysis on how I should have “been of better service” to my peers.
  • Post-Covid…. I need to know how to establish better relationships “with Men”…. I’ve never been close to guys as friends…. I play sports and I play them with guys must basically be my approach here. Covid lockdowns… to Sports and Bars away from me…. and there went my “meet up with guys” opportunities…. It’s probably how/why I’ve gotten burried a bit more deeply in “isolation” Post-Covid….. time will tell however :-)….. To close the loop on this bullet point… Dudes tend to “waste too much time” on casual “activities” in my eyes… and I want to be constantly aiming at growth…. the women in my life…. are all so driven… so focused on maximizing (what I’ll call)…. their survival instinct… that it “speaks to me” insanely well…. They’ve always been key beacons for me to measure my “success” against it seems.
  • My Mother and Sister are “everything to me”…. but we’ve had some very tough moments in this Post-Covid world as well. Overall though, it’s been insanely positive and giving me such courage and confidence in these amazing Women and all they have to offer to my life. It’s always been that way… my whole life ... but now… it is MUCH MORE clear to me for the “why” it was always this way. These women are my hero’s and I feel forever indebted to them for how much “value add” they offer to my family. My brother and father are big parts of my life too but my Mom and Sister always seem to “know what to say” to give me a huge boost. I’m definitely my “best version” of myself whenever I’m with them…. including when I’m being an absolute “terror” to deal with whenever I’m confused/shocked triggering my anxieties (usually leading to mini-temper tantrums) from unclear communication.

So I’m a “have not” still…. when it comes to many different things…. the loss of social “happenings” and being more around people at events and at work… has taken away a key “mirror” for me to reflect on myself through.

There’s a lot more to add on this topic… So there will be “more to come” as I notice where/how I’ve continued to experience “growth” in this Post-Covid world. My greatest hope is that it starts with being able to confirm “how” to limit my Self#2…. Many of my poor moments have stemmed from my level of Intensity being so much higher than my “peers”…. as well as that level of Intensity being applied to my personal reflections… leading to me being insanely hard on myself to improve… continually and constantly….. I’m excited to put that part of me “to bed”… since this was an experience I’m familiar with Pre-Covid as well….. Maybe I’m just in a new mental space and I’m struggling to learn what my next steps are.

Very excited to carry on that journey regardless. Chat soon!

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Ajani O

U of T Grad... Project Management Career Seeking Extraordinary Human Being...